I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize