I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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