M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
