i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
