So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
