There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
