So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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