Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have already put on my inside pants.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
