so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Come share oat with me in your robe
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize