I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
