i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
