were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
