i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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