What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
