Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
