You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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