my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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