he shaved USA in his pubs
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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