was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
