I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize