Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
