you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
