I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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