i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
