I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
