Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
