my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
