just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
