he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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