I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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