Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
