You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
