I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
