I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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