Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
