Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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