I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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