remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize