and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
no more duck duck goose at the bar
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
