I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize