John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
