Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
