my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
