It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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