I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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