Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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