i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
