oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
