My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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