dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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