she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize