Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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