fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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