when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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