why didn't you poke me back
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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