My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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