i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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