my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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