Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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