eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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