Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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