new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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