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I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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