I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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