I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
