Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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