Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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