It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize