I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
