When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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