she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
