Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
