im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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