God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
