my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
