you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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