I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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