Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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