dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My ATM looks so different sober.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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